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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26377408">tweek vs. craig II.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelotusflower/pseuds/thelotusflower'>thelotusflower</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>South Park</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Attempt at Humor, Eric Cartman Being An Asshole, Eric Cartman Being Eric Cartman, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, is this funny? probably not, this is so stupid, tweek vs. craig</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:07:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,743</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26377408</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelotusflower/pseuds/thelotusflower</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Fine!” Cartman’s smile immediately falls. He slams his hands onto the table, standing up, “we will just find out then! Get ready everyone, it’s Tweek vs. Craig II!” He exclaims, receiving curious looks from others at the table for a moment, but then they immediately return to ignoring them.</p><p>“They’re dating, dude,” Stan glares at their friend, still unsure why they refer to him as that. “That’s like domestic violence, or some shit.”</p><p>Cartman considers this, letting out a “hmph,” sound and rubbing his chin with his still-greasy fingers. “Mhmm, Stan, you’re right… you’re right. We will just have to fix that...”</p><p>“Cartman.” Kyle warns, lowering his glare on him. “Don’t you dare fucking do this.”</p><p>“Why Kahl?” He taunts, setting his hands on his wide hips. “You scared, Kawl? You think you’ll be wrong?”</p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>Cartman, Kyle and Stan argue who is the girl and who is the boy in Tweek and Craig's relationship. They decide the only way to be sure is to have them fight, but first, they have to break them up... otherwise that would totally be domestic abuse or something, and tha'ts not cool.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>201</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>tweek vs. craig II.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is SO dumb but let me know what u think</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It’s lunchtime at South Park Elementary. It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>Pizza Day; </span>
  </em>
  <span>Friday, every fourth grader’s favorite day of the week, both for the pizza and promise of the weekend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Butters, give me your second slice,” Cartman wiggles his fingers out to the small blond boy, hovering them above his plate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aw, gee, Eric… I kind of </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>the second slice. I sure like pizza,” he mumbles, fiddling his thumbs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be greedy, Butters,” Cartman spits out. “Think of your parents — if you get too fat, they’ll have to spend more money on groceries each week and then your family will almost be as poor as Kenny.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm-phhh, fuck you fat boy!” Kenny wails out, his hood making it all some like muffled sounds, but they’ve all heard the phrase enough to clearly understand what he said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Hamburgers! I’ll be grounded if that happens!” He gets a panicked look in his eye. His brow lowers and eyebrows shift together, “ah, Eric, I guess you’re right — you should take my second slice,” he pushes the plate towards the bigger boy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am always right, my dear Butters. You need learn to respect mah authorititah,” he grabs Butter’s second slice of pizza with his greasy paws, shoving the third slice of pizza in his mouth, making Kyle gag across from him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Gee, Eric, I’m sorry. You’re just trying to be a good friend and look out for me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle rolls his eyes, “Cartman you’re such a fat ass.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With food in his mouth, he grumbles out, “I’m am not! I’m thiCC, with </span>
  <em>
    <span>two </span>
  </em>
  <span>c’s, it’s fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>in</span>
  </em>
  <span> right now, Kahl. But you wouldn’t know because you’re such a fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>loser, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Jew!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle clenches his jaw and Stan sighs beside him, putting a hand on Kyle’s arm to calm him down. “It’s not worth it, Kyle.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenny points at Cartman and laughs, mumbling something out that know one quite catches but they laugh along anyways.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cartman grows red faced, frowning and swallowing the rest of the pizza in a couple bites. “Suck my balls, Kenny,” he barks out. “Wait, you’re probably too poor too!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That doesn’t even make sense, dude,” Stan states.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The conversation fades and Cartman’s gaze falls to the table in front of them — Craig and Tweek, holding hands, sitting with some random kids no one ever talks to — the rest of Craig’s gang is at the end of </span>
  <em>
    <span>their </span>
  </em>
  <span>lunch table. On rare occasions, Tweek and Craig sit at another table, alone, probably being </span>
  <em>
    <span>gay</span>
  </em>
  <span> or whatever.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who do you think is the girl and who do you think is the guy in Tweek and Craig’s relationship?” Cartman wonders allowed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Craig is definitely the girl, he is such a </span>
  <em>
    <span>wuss,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Stan immediately injects. “Tweek is way tougher; he definitely won in that fight they had last year.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> Stan ignores the voice of Wendy in his head, going on off head about sexism; gender norms and discrimination, </span>
  <em>
    <span>blah, blah, blah, blah, blah </span>
  </em>
  <span>— girls are </span>
  <em>
    <span>lose </span>
  </em>
  <span>in a fight against guys, it’s just commen sense, no matter if it is a generalization, or not.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, Craig is for sure the girl,” Kyle agrees with a nod. “Tweek could kick his ass — that totally means he is the guy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kyle, you’re such a faggot,” he argues. “You’re only agreeing with Stan because you want to fuck him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle flushes with a frown, almost growling, “no, I don’t! You’re just </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong </span>
  </em>
  <span>— Tweek is way more of a dude than Craig. Craig is obsessed with guinea pigs— that’s such a </span>
  <em>
    <span>girly</span>
  </em>
  <span> animal.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Kenny</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Cartman eyes him with narrowed eyes. He sucks in a breath, “don’t fail me now, poor boy. What do </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>think?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmph, neither of them are girls, you guys are so stupid!” He yells back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“See! Kenny agrees with me!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmmph, no I don’t you fucking cow!” The orange-parka wearing boy muffles out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No! He totally just said Tweek is the boy!” Kyle retorts, totally ignoring Kenny’s muffling of aggravation and argument. Kenny just lets out a heavy sigh, letting his head fall onto his hand, his whole body falling down with defeat. No one ever cares what he actually has to say.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Gee, Fellas, I thought they were both boys?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Butters, God, you’re so fucking dense— it’s why we didn’t even </span>
  <em>
    <span>ask </span>
  </em>
  <span>you,” he glares at the blonde. “They’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>gay,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Cartman states sternly, completely fed up with Butter’s idocracy. “You’re being homophobic.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aw Jeez, I didn’t mean to be. Please don’t tell PC principal. If I get detention, I’ll be grounded!” He frowns, eyebrows shifting inward and whole demeanor falling.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I won’t, but you have to agree with me that Craig is the boy in Tweek and Craig’s gay relationship.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, okay, I guess… Craig is the boy,” he murmurs, eyes casted downward.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“See gaywads?” Cartman yanks his head back over at Stan and Kyle, a cocky grin extended across his chubby face, and up to his ears. “Butters agrees.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle rolls his eyes. “That doesn’t count.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine!” Cartman’s smile immediately falls. He slams his hands onto the table, standing up, “we will just find out then! Get ready everyone, it’s Tweek vs. Craig II!” He exclaims, receiving curious looks from others at the table for a moment, but then they immediately return to ignoring them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’re dating, </span>
  <em>
    <span>dude,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Stan glares at their </span>
  <em>
    <span>friend</span>
  </em>
  <span>, still unsure why they refer to him as that. “That’s like </span>
  <em>
    <span>domestic </span>
  </em>
  <span>violence, or some shit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cartman considers this, letting out a “</span>
  <em>
    <span>hmph</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” sound and rubbing his chin with his still-greasy fingers. “Mhmm, Stan, you’re right… you’re right. We will just have to </span>
  <em>
    <span>fix </span>
  </em>
  <span>that...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Cartman</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Kyle warns, lowering his glare on him. “Don’t you dare fucking do this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why Kahl?” He taunts, setting his hands on his wide hips. “You </span>
  <em>
    <span>scared, Kawl? </span>
  </em>
  <span>You think you’ll be wrong?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Through gritted teeth, Kyle argues, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>no,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>he utters out, “I just think it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong </span>
  </em>
  <span>to break them up </span>
  <em>
    <span>purposely</span>
  </em>
  <span> to prove a point.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cartman waves him off, rolling his eyes. “They will get back together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Stan nudges Kyle in the side, shrugging, his eyebrows casted slightly up. “He has a point; they have broken up before, they will probably just get back together,” he shrugs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle considers it a moment. This </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>true… plus they could always just aid them in getting them back together if they fail to themselves … it is always great to prove Cartman wrong…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine, Fatass. Ten bucks. Tweek wins a fight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re on, Jew.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you have to pay </span>
  <em>
    <span>both </span>
  </em>
  <span>of us ten.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re breaking my balls here, Kahl,” Cartman complains, shaking his head with his eyes shut, his leg bouncing up and down, “ </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but when I win, you and Stan both give me ten bucks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Stan and Kyle share a glance with each other before both nodding. “Deal!”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dude, I don’t know, I kind of feel weird doing this…” Kenny earlily murmurs out; eyes on the two boyfriends on the swing set, fifteen feet away from them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kenny, you said you would fucking do it!” Stan protests angrily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, dude, do you want the six dollars, or what?” Kyle adds on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cartman, Kyle, and Stan all pitched in two dollars each. They are paying Kenny to flirt with Tweek. It is all part of Cartman’s plan to break the couple up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Get off you’re fucking high horse, Kenny,” Cartman rebukes. “Nobody’s forgotten you sucking Tom Stern’s dick and eating your own vomit. You’re already pretty much a hooker. Don’t puss out now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cartman delivers his words with a push, making Kenny slightly tumble over as he wearily walks over. He just imagines Karen’s face when he comes home with some actual fucking food to eat instead of the actual </span>
  <em>
    <span>garbage</span>
  </em>
  <span> their parents give them — Kenny is pretty sure that their parents </span>
  <em>
    <span>literally </span>
  </em>
  <span>brought them garbage home last week, giving them half eaten burgers and extremely soggy fries with some brown stuff covering them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His asshole friends made him take down his hood, and Cartman put a bunch of gel in his sandy, blonde hair — telling him he has to look </span>
  <em>
    <span>presentable </span>
  </em>
  <span>and not like a </span>
  <em>
    <span>poor bastard.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He swears one day he is going to </span>
  <em>
    <span>kill </span>
  </em>
  <span>that fat boy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He is pretty good at flirting; he has had more experience than any of his asshole friends combined with girls, and even a couple boys, but he has standards — he never hits on anyone in a relationship. He is not an </span>
  <em>
    <span>asshole, </span>
  </em>
  <span>well, except when there is money involved…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>… but unlike </span>
  <em>
    <span>those</span>
  </em>
  <span> assholes, who are making bets on people’s lives for the fun of it, he does actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>need</span>
  </em>
  <span> the money.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He strides up to the boys, and just casually starts talking to the two. Craig just stares at him, expressionless, and Tweek fidgets like he normally does, letting out a </span>
  <em>
    <span>augh, hey Kenny.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He honestly thinks they are cute. He really, </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>does not want to do this, but… he is friends with those assholes for a reason; he is sort of an asshole as well, and as said before, he likes and needs money.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He asks to swing with them and they both nod. He takes the swing next to Tweek. He is supposed to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>subtle.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He swings with them and compliments on how high Tweek can go, which he responds to with, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“ack! I think it’s all the caffeine.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenny offers to push him on the swing to make him go higher and he can see Craig’s glare as Tweek mumbles out a </span>
  <em>
    <span>sure </span>
  </em>
  <span>and Kenny goes to push him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Craig is gripping his swing tightly, knuckles turning white and glare unwavering as he grimaces at Kenny. Craig stops swinging and just </span>
  <em>
    <span>glares </span>
  </em>
  <span>at him but he continues, ignoring him completely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“All right, spread your legs, Tweek!” He exclaims, smirking in spite of himself. “You want me to go harder?” He giggles.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“ACK!” Tweek screams, holding on for dear life. “No! I’m gonna break my neck, man! You’re trying to kill me!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t like this?” Kenny frowns. “I thought you’d like it rough, Tweek. You sure look like you would anyways,” Kenny shrugs, letting his hands fall to the side, disengaging himself from the swing and taking a step backward.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“ACK! What does that mean!?” Tweek places his feet on the ground, hurriedly getting up and facing Kenny.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Craig follows suit, standing next to him, and grabbing his boyfriend’s hand. He lowers his darkened eyes onto Kenny, grinding his teeth. “Yeah, what the fuck Kenny? What are you trying to say?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenny shrugs innocently, giving a small smile, summoning the innocence of Princess Kenny. He flutters his eyelids. For a brief moment, he eyes his friends who are watching from afar — making sure he is acting accordingly. He switches his gaze back to Tweek, “The unbuttoned shirt…,” he gestures him up and down, the </span>
  <em>
    <span>messy </span>
  </em>
  <span>hair — it’s just screams liking it rough to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Craig flips him off and Tweek visibly flinches, his body jerking slightly. “Get the fuck out of here, McCormick.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine,” he huffs a bit of air, feigning disappoint, looking down with fluttering eyelids, moving forward toward the other blond, “but I just want you to know, Tweek, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>like it rough too,” he delivers in a whisper and a wink, causing Tweek to yelp out a shriek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“AUGH! What are you talking about, man!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kenny, I’m going to </span>
  <em>
    <span>beat </span>
  </em>
  <span>the shit out of you —,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“ACK, no,” Tweek glares at his boyfriend. “I don’t need you defending me, Craig!” He glowers at his boyfriend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But he is flirt —,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“AUGH! Stop!” He shakes his head, “I can beat him up myself. I don’t need you to protect me NNGH.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m NOT protecting </span>
  <em>
    <span>you,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Craig grits through his teeth. “I am just giving him what’s due for flirting with my fucking boyfriend!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“ACK! Don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>swear </span>
  </em>
  <span>at me!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sweating at you, I’m swearing about Kenny!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenny just slithers away, feeling satisfied with himself. He eyes his friends who are giving him thumbs up. He lets himself feel proud of his show, before remembering that </span>
  <em>
    <span>yeah, that was a pretty asshole thing to do</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and frowns, feeling sort of bad.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At least he will get six dollars.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later that day, Stan and Kyle take a trip to Tweak Bro’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the twitching blonde employee sees them, he sort of jerks and flinches away, but as they move closer, he is forced to greet them. “Hi,” he says. “Nnngh, did you guys want coffee or something?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle and Stan look at each other, then both shake their heads.  Stan is the one to talk first, “no, dude, we just wanted to come and see you — make sure you’re okay, and everything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“NNGH, why wouldn’t I be?” His eyes stretch wide with alarm, eyebrows furrowing inward. “Are the Underpant Gnomes back!? Did they get your guys’ underwear too?!” He grabs onto his wild hair in frantic. “Shit! I need to get home — I need to —,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle shakes his head, cutting off his paranoia filled rant. “No, no, Tweek they aren’t back — we just heard Craig broke up with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“ACK! WHAT?!” His eyes somehow bug out more, his body violently twitching. “Who told you </span>
  <em>
    <span>that?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>His voice is shrill and panicked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We saw you guys fighting at recess today,” Stan starts, “So, after school we asked Craig if everything was okay. He said he broke up with you ‘cus he doesn’t like you anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> fight at recess today, resulting in sitting in separate seats on the school bus, and walking home separately, but no one ever mentioned a break up! Tweek pulls out some of his hair. “AUGH — </span>
  <em>
    <span>What</span>
  </em>
  <span>!? Why would he say THAT?” he shrieks. “He didn’t tell me that! Do you think he — </span>
  <em>
    <span>NNGH</span>
  </em>
  <span> — is planning too?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle feels bad that he is shaking so much but he is </span>
  <em>
    <span>always </span>
  </em>
  <span>shaking, so is this really any different? Kyle shrugs, “seems like he already </span>
  <em>
    <span>did, </span>
  </em>
  <span>maybe you just misunderstood, dude, he was totally pissed  — he said he wants to fight you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“ACK! </span>
  </em>
  <span>Why would he say that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He said that you were super annoying and have it coming,” Stan adds. “That he has been wanting tofight you for awhile. Tweek, you should really prepare for a big fight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to fight Craig!” He shrieks, shaking his head violently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“C’mon, Tweek, you’d totally win.” Stan rebukes with slight exasperation, sighing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s not the </span>
  <em>
    <span>AUGH </span>
  </em>
  <span>point!” He cries out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They stare awkwardly. This is not as easy as it was last time to coax the two into fighting each other.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe that asshole would break up with me and not even tell me!” He goes on, his glare full of tension, his fists clenching at his sides. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, Tweek, that’s why you have to </span>
  <em>
    <span>fight</span>
  </em>
  <span> him — he said that he wants to meet you at the basketball courts at noon tomorrow.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>ACK</span>
  </em>
  <span>!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you don’t show up, he said he is gonna come </span>
  <em>
    <span>here,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kyle adds.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rrrr, NNGH, ACK!” Tweek violently twitches, shaking his head. “He can’t fight me here! NNNGH, it would drive away business! My parents would kill me, ACK!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So you will be there then?” Stan asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“NNGH, I g-guess?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle nods, smiling. “Sweet dude, see you there.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Stan and Kyle both leave the store, smiling, the little bell above the door chirping as they exit — leaving a very anxious and startled Tweek to shake the rest of the day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cartman knocks on the Tucker residence, and is greeted by Laura Tucker, Craig’s hot mom. “Hello, Mrs. Tucker,” Cartman smiles up at her, fluttering his eyelids innocently. “Is Craig home?” He asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gives him a weary look, frowning. She glances back at the inside of her household, biting her lip. “Ah, yes… he </span>
  <em>
    <span>is…</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” she murmurs, before shouting, “Craig! Your friend is here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She tells Cartman to wait one second — her son is on his way downstairs. She leaves the door open but walks off. Craig comes down the stairs, sees Cartman and groans. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mom. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>told </span>
  </em>
  <span>you — </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>asshole is not my friend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Be nice, Craig, I don’t want you making any trouble,” she pats his shoulder and departs further into the house, behind Cartman’s line of sight. Craig sighs as he walks over to the front door, narrowing his eyes on the boy on his porch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you want?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So much Craig… so much, but sadly… you can only give me so much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Craig rolls his eyes. He is about to just shut the door and go back to playing with Stripe but Cartman puts his fat foot in the door to block his action.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What I want most though, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>can</span>
  </em>
  <span> give me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What is that?” Craig deadpans, crossing his arms over his chest. “And what makes you think I would give you </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cartman opens the door wider. He pouts, “well, see, I am just so sad that you and Tweek broke up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you talking about — we didn’t break up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh?” Cartman’s eyes flash up, his eyebrows arching. “That’s not what Tweek is telling people.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Craig’s eyebrows arch inward, forming a “v” above his eyes. He frowns. “What the fuck are you talking about you fat-tard?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I saw him with Kenny earlier … they were being </span>
  <em>
    <span>super </span>
  </em>
  <span>gay, doing </span>
  <em>
    <span>gay </span>
  </em>
  <span>things… </span>
  <em>
    <span>being </span>
  </em>
  <span>gay….,” Cartman’s voice trails, his eyes on his feet. “I just figured he broke up with you, and left you for that poor bastard,” Cartman eyes Craig whose lifeless exterior has broken slightly, a frown displaying on his face. “But oh God, oh Christ, Jesus… is it worse than it seems? Is Tweek </span>
  <em>
    <span>cheating </span>
  </em>
  <span>on you?” His voice raising in pitch. He covers his mouth with his hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tweek wouldn’t do that,” Craig argues.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, he did tell Kenny he would fight you at noon tomorrow at the basketball courts to prove his devotion to Kenny…” Cartman explains, frowning. “That’s why I am here, Craig. I feel you, man — I </span>
  <em>
    <span>know </span>
  </em>
  <span>your pain — I want you to get your vengeance, put that little spaz in his place,” he explains.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Craig just glares at him. He puts his hand on the door, gripping it with white knuckles. His face has turned red now, his eyes dark with rage. He clenches his jaw before speaking, “don’t call him that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Craig</span>
  </em>
  <span>, you’re breaking my heart — he cheats on you, tells his new beau that he is going to fight </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> to prove his love, and you’re still defending that asshole?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Craig frowns. “Tweek wouldn’t do any of this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes,” Cartman starts, “people disappoint us, Craig. They fool and deceive us — usually the people we love the most.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Craig’s eyes fall and he stares at nothing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to be there for you, man. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m </span>
  </em>
  <span>on your side — you got to fight Tweek. You have to show that asshole he can’t just break your heart like this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Craig sighs, about to just shut the door, for the third time, sick of Cartman’s bullshit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Craig</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he said he is gonna take that guinea pig back — said </span>
  <em>
    <span>he </span>
  </em>
  <span>bought it and it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>his </span>
  </em>
  <span>— said he is gonna give it to Kenny.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Craig lowers his glare on Cartman.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, he said it’s technically </span>
  <em>
    <span>his </span>
  </em>
  <span>guinea pig and has the receipt to prove it — says he is gonna get Kyle’s dad to sue the shit out of you to get it back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Craig’s frown deepens, his whole body becoming tense. Darkness pools into his auburn eyes. That fucking asshole isn’t touching Stripe!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s what I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>saying,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Cartman murmurs. “So… you gotta fight him, at the basketball courts... at noon tomorrow … you can do that, right Craig? Or has that asshole taken too much out of you? Are you just gonna let him walk over you like this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!” He grits through his teeth, almost shouting. “I will be there. I’ll show him,” he growls and then slams the door in Cartman’s face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cartman grins, nearly giggling as he steps off Craig’s porch — he can’t wait to get his twenty dollars. He rubs his hands together menacingly. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>This is too easy.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s almost noon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tweek walks to the basketball courts, shaking and anxious. He doesn’t want to fight Craig! Last time he ended up in the hospital for a week, and his parents were extremely pissed that he was unable to work!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But that’s not even the main reason he does not want to fight him — he doesn’t want to hurt him, why would he want to? Sure, sometimes Craig annoys him, but he would never want to inflict pain on him!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He likes him a lot! He cannot believe that Craig is telling everyone they broke up — before he even tells him, himself! It’s so cowardly. He feels so angry but definitely not enough to </span>
  <em>
    <span>fight </span>
  </em>
  <span>him — as upset and hurt he is, he does not want to take that out </span>
  <em>
    <span>physically </span>
  </em>
  <span>on his boyfriend, or </span>
  <em>
    <span>ex </span>
  </em>
  <span>boyfriend, he supposes.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Craig cannot believe that Tweek would leave him for </span>
  <em>
    <span>Kenny McCormick </span>
  </em>
  <span>and freaking </span>
  <em>
    <span>give </span>
  </em>
  <span>him </span>
  <em>
    <span>their </span>
  </em>
  <span>guinea pig — that’s so, completely fucked up. Tweek already was an asshole about Stripe when they broke up during Civil War. He should know that that is a completely, fucked up thing to do. It is one thing to keep Stripe for himself, but to give him to </span>
  <em>
    <span>Kenny </span>
  </em>
  <span>fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>McCormick</span>
  </em>
  <span>? What the hell did Craig ever do that was so shitty that Tweek would do that to him?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he arrives at the basketball courts, he sees a crowd has formed, those </span>
  <em>
    <span>assholes</span>
  </em>
  <span> in the front, and Tweek in the midst of the crowd, everyone’s eyes on him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The whole crowd separates upon his arrival, like he is fucking Moses or something. Tweek stares at him, shaking and wide eyed. He is making noises and pulling out his hair.It makes him frown. He hates seeing Tweek like this; he has gotten a lot better lately, a lot less shaky and paranoid, this is the worst he has seen him in awhile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But then he sees Kenny, and remembers what Cartman said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can’t give Kenny Stripe!” He shouts at his former partner, his fists clenched at his side.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He still doesn’t think he can </span>
  <em>
    <span>fight </span>
  </em>
  <span>him. He is already shaking violently and looks like he might collapse in the next couple minutes from all the shaking. Even when they were playing </span>
  <em>
    <span>superheroes, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Craig could not fully attack his ex-boyfriend; he just doesn’t have it in him. Call him a sap.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“ACK! W-What are you talking about, man?” He disputes, the fists at his side jerking.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He points a finger at Tweek. “Don’t play stupid, Tweek! You’re leaving me for Kenny and stealing Stripe to give to him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“ACK! GAH! What the hell are you talking about!?” He shouts. “They told </span>
  <em>
    <span>me </span>
  </em>
  <span>that you are telling people we broke up because I’m, AH, annoying and you dislike me now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Craig squints his eyes and lowers his pointed finger. He straightens his posture, frowning, with confusion glinting in his brown eyes. “So you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>with Kenny, and you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>trying to take Stripe away from me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No! AUGH! Why would I do </span>
  <em>
    <span>that?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>He jerks, nearly ripping out his blonde hair. “Did you tell them we broke up!? Do you think I’m annoying?” He asks, frowning himself and his eyebrows pushing inward tightly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!” Craig nearly shouts, stepping forward. “I don’t think you’re annoying at all, babe. Of course I still like you! I never said any of that stupid shit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tweek frown deepens but his twitching and jerking dramatically decreases. “So we are still together then?” He questions.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“As long as you aren’t leaving me for Kenny.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck that!” He shakes his head, eyes shut. “NNGH, I would never leave you for anyone, let alone that bastard!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Craig smiles, extending his hand out to Tweek. Tweek smiles back and grabs his hand. They gaze at each other for a moment with sparkling, beaming eyes before Cartman interrupts the moment, screaming, “GAAAAAY! FIGHT! CRAIG, HE IS LYING!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rest of the crowd around them disperses, rolling their eyes and mumbling out, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>this was a waste of time,</span>
  </em>
  <span>”, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>why do we ever trust anything those guys say,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” and, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>I can’t believe I got out of bed before noon on a Saturday for this.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Cartman remain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shut the fuck up,” Craig glares at him. The two boyfriends turn to the assholes who lied to them, both furious and livid, eyes dark.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“ACK! Why would you </span>
  <em>
    <span>NNNGH</span>
  </em>
  <span> lie to us about this shit? What the fuck, man! That’s so fucked up!” Tweek shouts beside him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We did not make any of this up!” Cartman argues. “CRAIG, he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>lying! </span>
  </em>
  <span>He is going to suck Kenny’s poor dick right after this. Isn’t he Kenny?” Cartman whips his head to Kenny, who is standing beside him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenny muffles out something angrily before shaking his head and marching away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At this, Craig steps forward, Tweek’s hand in his own, and delivers a blow into Cartman’s gut. He lets go of Tweek’s hand, and Tweek delivers another blow to the fat boy’s stomach.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle and Stan look at each other with wide eyes and run off — they both have seen what the boyfriends are capable of, and neither wants to end up hospitalized. They both were practically trained to be killers between boxing and martial arts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cartman lets out a grunt and </span>
  <em>
    <span>ooomph, </span>
  </em>
  <span>before falling to the ground at the blows, curling up and holding onto his stomach, moaning and groaning. For good measure, they both give him a couple hard kicks. Afterward, they reconnect their hands, smile at one another and begin to walk away from the sociopath behind them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, SCREW YOU GUYS!” Cartman yells through his pain. “I’m going home,” he mumbles, struggling to get back up on his feet. “Fucking faggots—,” he mumbles, “being gay all wrong. One is supposed to be the girl. They aren’t going to last...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tweek and Craig walk away from the scene, completely ignoring Cartman’s wails and threats that he will tattle on them — it doesn’t matter, they will just tell their parents Cartman and those assholes tried to break them up, and they will </span>
  <em>
    <span>totally </span>
  </em>
  <span>be off the hook. They might even get money out of it. In fact, the whole </span>
  <em>
    <span>town </span>
  </em>
  <span>will hate those assholes after they tell everyone — people fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>love </span>
  </em>
  <span>them together, </span>
  <em>
    <span>still</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and will rip anyone apart who tries to break them up. Craig can not wait to spread the word in fact. Maybe everyone will finally realize how much those guys suck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe we fell for that stupid bullshit again,” Craig says.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“ACK!” Tweek responds. “I can’t believe you thought I would leave you for Kenny.” Craig blushes, looking down. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Nngh, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and give him Stripe? Ah! I would never do that to you, man!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know,” he sighs. “Cartman just gets under my skin and makes me forget logic sometimes.” He explains. “Especially when it comes to Stripe … and you.” He shrugs helplessly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“AUGH!” Tweek shakes his head. “Yeah, they are major assholes,” he complains, irritability in his tone. “ACK! I’m never trusting them ever again— especially anything revolving you! It’s one thing to </span>
  <em>
    <span>NNGH</span>
  </em>
  <span> set us up </span>
  <em>
    <span>last </span>
  </em>
  <span>time, but we are a fucking couple now!” Tweek’s hand tightens around Craig’s. It sort of hurts but Craig is not going to tell him to loosen up; he needs to get it all off his chest and relieve pressure . “I know Buddha says to forgive, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>AGH</span>
  </em>
  <span> — how can I forgive them trying to take you away from me!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck them.” Craig states. He stops walking and turns to Tweek. He lets go of Tweek’s hand and holds on to Tweek’s shoulders. “No one is going to break us up, Tweek. We are invincible,” he delivers with absolute confidence and certainty.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tweek smiles and wraps his arms around his boyfriend in a close and tight embrace. His boyfriend smells like body wash and laundry detergent — </span>
  <em>
    <span>home, comfort, joy. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Ack, you’re right, Craig.” He mumbles into him, Craig’s arm coming around him. “You always make me feel so much better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So do you, honey,” he murmurs to his boyfriend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This morning he wanted to set the world on fire, but right now, with Tweek; everything is right — the world is shitty, full of huge assholes like Cartman, Stan, Kyle and Kenny, but the world also has his boyfriend, and as long as he has him, he’ll be able to deal with those dumb assholes at school, and the rest of the world’s assholes, as well.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
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